Confession: I wrote a novel.
Confession the Sequel: I hate it.
Wait. Let me start over.
Few things were more satisfying, as a person who writes, than completing this novel. After months of writing during every free moment, and well into the night, I hit a 67k word count, typed up an Epilogue, emailed it to my sisters who served as beta readers, got a notebook full of praise in the form of smiley faces and points of ( v a s t ) improvement back, sat down to revise it, and thought, “Ugh. I’m bored with this.”
On one hand, I love writing. Often I will have a thought or a memory and start composing it in my mind. I think like a writer. Impeccable grammar comes easily to me. I’m good at subject/verb agreement. Once or twice I’ve even felt eloquent. Sometimes I get the notion that I just might get paid for it.
And that’s the other hand.
I don’t write for the craft of it. Well, I do, because I can’t help myself, but then I also really want to make some money doing it. I want someone to decide that my writing is tight enough to pay money just to read what I have to say and how I say it.
That, and I spend entirely too much time and money at Target.
I write.
A lot.
I have a dozen stories in my head that sound good until I start writing one. I get as far as the outline and character descriptions before I decide that it will be crap. I can’t commit myself to any one of them, because then I get bored, and I don’t have patience to see one through to the end. I jump around. I write the same line over and over again. I overuse favorite words. I don’t want to tack my name to something, because what if it’s crap? Then I will be a crappy writer, and all my friends will know it.
I can’t help it. If I don’t try, then I can never say that I failed at being a writer.
Then again, I also won’t be making some bucks.
11 comments
Comments feed for this article
April 4, 2011 at 6:54 pm
Ironic Mom
Write, Jess! Do. This is good news. You are gifted. And yes, you do have to try.
The best advice I ever heard for writer’s block (or fear) is lower your expectations.
Can’t wait to hear about the next chapter. Or novel. Or article.
Leanne
April 4, 2011 at 8:07 pm
Meet the Buttrams
You’re my biggest fan who isn’t related to me so they have to like what I write. I’m pretty sure if you’re endorsing me, then shucks, I oughtta do it.
Thanks, Leanne. You rock.
April 27, 2011 at 8:42 am
Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson
I have my manuscript at 80K. I think I’ve become paralyzed, too. I dream of a weekend with you and Leanne and a few other bloggers in a house on a beach, where we read each others shizz. And provide feedback. A beach workshop. We could be really honest with each other. I need that. And I need to know where the holes are. I can’t find them anymore.
Like IM, I do think you are a great writer. You might as well start querying.
April 27, 2011 at 8:52 am
Meet the Buttrams
Whaaa! Best. Idea. Ever.
I’ll bring the sunblock. And a box of wine. We’re gonna need it!
May 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Brynn
Came across this blog while creepily stalking tylertarver’s (well, actually, I came across your mommy-blog first, but since I don’t have kids, I think i like this one better. No offense to your children. They are very cute.). I gotta say you’re a great writer, and I hope you continue to write so I can stalk this blog! I admire your ability to inject serious, thoughtful writing with humor, wit and originality.
While stalking your mommy-blog, I was thrilled to find out you studied math in college AND you love Jesus AND you are hilarious. You have already provided me with some extra fuel to keep blogging and improving my own writing. Thank you!
May 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm
Brynn
Also, I was definitely lured here by the false hope of a page devoted entirely to New Kids on the Block.
May 9, 2011 at 8:51 am
Meet the Buttrams
Thanks! And I look forward to returning the stalking favor. Creepy stalking is my favorite kind of stalking.
And I’m sorry. I totally used NKOTB for personal gain.
July 2, 2011 at 7:54 am
Chase McFadden
Hmmmm. Just discovering this. A little disappointed that Mark and Donny and the rest of the boys aren’t here.
This is great, Jessica.You’re voice is very strong. I’d pay to read it.
July 2, 2011 at 4:18 pm
Meet the Buttrams
Chase, I didn’t peg you as a New Kids fan. I feel like I don’t even know you.
So…should I be looking for a check in the mail or something? Direct deposit? Hahaha ahem, this part is always so awkward…
October 24, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Katie
I wasn’t allowed to listen to New Kids on the Block when they were popular. In fact, I was allowed to listen to anything that wasn’t Christian or Oldies. So I didn’t even know what “NKOTB” meant, but I assumed it would be something cool. I was correct.
And I really hope you write a novel. I would definitely pay to read it- especially if it would help fund your spending sprees at Target- those are the best kind of sprees.
February 29, 2012 at 12:39 am
Jon Daniels
I most definitely enjoy your writing. Keep it up! It is extremely entertaining!